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The Teapot Prize

 

teapot

The Teapot Prize for March was not awarded, there were too many entrants.

 

The Teapot Prize for February went to ex-Ukip leader Henry Bolton for his inability to think above the waste.

The Guardian's art critic described the award as "beyond prestige, an opening for Henry to a portal beyond mortal".

The Guardian's art critic obviously knows what he is talking about...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In the news

The Windrush Mystery

24/04/18

Back in 2009 someone took the decision to destroy paperwork relating to people who arrived with their children on the Windrush vessel in 1948. Alan Johnson, New Labour, Home Secretary at the time says it was the Border Agency that took the 'destroy' decision. Mrs May says it was him but the actual destruction took place while she was the Home Secretary in 2010. This debate has been going on for two weeks and no one is taking responsibility for making a large number of peoples lives miserable. Amber Rudd, the current Home Secretary blamed everyone except herself - quite right Amber, why would you bother to inform yourself about the plight of black people - even when a Guardian reporter has been phoning the Home Office every day for six months seeking information about the destroy decision?

Another Mouth To Feed

23/04/18

The Duchess of Cambridge had another child at the Lindo Wing. Apparently, some of the crowd outside the hospital had been there for two weeks. Now, everyone will be holding their breath, waiting to find out what name the new prince will take. Our guess is Philip.

Queen's Awful Birthday Party

21/04/18

Television programmes are mainly awful, the Queen's birthday party at the Albert Hall, shown on BBC1, made viewing more awful. Tom Jones singing It's Not Unusual was enough to make an old person weep. Briefly, Ladysmith Black Mambazo retrieved things but then Jones appeared again to sing The Green Green Grass Of Home and it was a case of pass me the remote.

 

World War III will be along soon

11/04/18

assad2Bashar al-Assad's aircraft dropped bombs filled with toxic chemicals on Douma, near Damascus last Saturday. The UN said, oh, dear, what a nasty man. Mr Mad, Don Trump, called Assad a "gas killing animal". Don went on to tell Vlad the Impaler to "get ready" for missiles. Vlad said, I will shoot your missiles down. Then all three were returned to the asylum.

Zuckerberg is just weird

11/04/18

Appearing before various Senate committees resulting from the data harvesting scandal, supposedly instigated by Cambridge Analytica. The claim is that Facebook profitted from the the data breech. Zuckerberg comes across like a robot, and looks like he spends much of the daylight hours in a dark place. He thinks of himself as kind benevolent medieval spirit, doing good for Facebook users across the globe. Time for people to stop using Facebook?

Anti-abortion protesters should take a break, to Gruinard!

11/04/18

Ealing CoGruinarduncil is to create a safe zone around an abortion clinic in the borough following complaints of harassment by anti-abortion protesters. Instead of making world a better place to live in, they choose to make it miserable. They should all be sent to Gruinard Island to protest Winston Churchill's use of the island to carry out biological warfare experiments using anthrax. Which led to massive soil contamination of the island.

Facebook takes a tumble

23/03/18

Mark Zuckerberg took five days to say sorry to Facebook users for allowing the data of 50 million of them to used for political manipulation by some advertising outfit called Cambridge Analytica.

Over the course of this week Facebook's market value has fallen by $58 billion, and that's probably the real reason he said sorry. So far, Zuckerberg is looking a likely candidate for the March Teapot Prize.

Russians in Salisbury Update

23/03/18

The bench has been removed to a secret location and those people told to wash their clothes are now being told to hand them over for burning (they will be compensated, let's hope they don't have to wait as long as the shopkeepers caught up in the 2011 riots.)

Corbyn sacks Owen Smith

23/03/18

Smith, shadow cabinet member responsible for N.Ireland decided to call for a second referendum on our EU membership, so Jessa sacked him. Smith says he was standing by his principles. Perhaps he should join the Lib-Dems. Peter Hain, former NI secretary described the sacking as a "Stalinist purge". (Twit, Stalin would have had Smith shot!)

 

Stephen Hawking, Ken Dodd and Jim Bowen head out for the Event Horizon

14/03/18

Theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking died today and now everyone knows the things he discovered. Experts of radio and televison have been explaining it all day long. We now know all about black holes and the singularity.

May expels 23 Russian Spies

14/03/18

Britain is now convinced it was the Russians wot done it and expelled a ton of Russian spies, to show Vlad the Impaler we mean business. But, and here's a tricky question, how is it that we managed to find so many spies in a week? How come we didn't about them before the poisoning incident in Salisbury? Perhaps it might have been more effective if Mrs May told our banks to stop laundering the criminal earnings of Russians busy buying London.

May also said that no government representative or Royals will be attending the World Cup in Russia. So, there will be no taxpayer funded japes for the over-privileged few this time around.

Russians in Salisbury

10/03/18

Sergei Skripal, a former Russian spy and his daughter were poisoned. They were found outside Greggs, on a bench, in the middle of Salisbury. The news media were hot on the case, he was an ex-soviet spy, a nerve agent was used, it was Putin. The full power of the state went into overdrive. A tent was placed over the bench. Then a panic ensued, the tent nearly blew away, men in protective suits tied the tent down, this was all relaid to the nation via TV, together with a full explanation of what was happening. That is a prime example of what the media, the experts, and government have been doing since the pair were found days ago - supplying the public with useless information. The men in protective suits moved on to the cemetery where Sergei's wife and son are buried - they covered their graves with tents? Meanwhile, 200 idle soldiers were scrambled to stand round the back of Greggs, waiting for Amber Rudd to deploy...

There's something odd going on in Salisbury, the home of Porton Down, our secret military research set up - you know, the sort of place where they play around with nerve agents that kill people.

Update: 11/03/18

Amber is telling everyone in Salisbury to wash all their clothes, just in case!

 

Mrs May and time travel

04/03/18

Mrs May made another key note speech on Friday, 12 times she said 'I want to be clear', 12 times she failed in her ambition. She appears to want a Customs Union but not like the one we are already in with the EU but one that we design, a kind of special Customs Union that favours us - a bit like the way things were in the 18th century, when Great Britain set the terms and everyone else accepted our terms or else. Aren't Tories wonderful, they just can't grasp the reality of time travel, you may only travel forward and there's no way back.

 

Henry Bolton must go

17/02/18

Poor Henry received a massive vote of no confidence in his leadership of UKIP and is no longer the UKIP party boss. Perhaps in future he will think above the waste? MEP Gerard Joseph Batten has been chosen as interim leader. Batten was a founding member of UKIP in 1993. Beyond being in at the beginning, the man is an embarrassment. On his days off he spends his time trying to weed out commies in the Italian political system and doing his best to upset the world's 1.8 billion muslims.

If Batten is the best that UKIP can do then the tea party really is over.

 

 

Oxfam

17/02/18

News reports of Oxfam's behaviour in Haiti in 2011 put the charity in the dock. The charity's country director, Roland Van Hauwermeiren, 68, was identified for hiring prostitutes at a villa paid for by Oxfam.

Celebrity ambassadors like Desmond Tutu pulled their support, the government said don't bother bidding for any more public money until you sort yourself out and donors stopped donating.

And what has the chief executive Mark Goldring done? He told the Guardian:"The intensity and the ferocity of the attack makes you wonder, what did we do? "We murdered babies in their cots?" He also thought criticism was motivated by an anti-aid agenda - let's hope so!

 

Another School Massacre in the US

16/02/18

Nikolas Cruz 19 expelled from Stoneman Douglas School in Parkland, Florida decided to exact revenge on the school community by killing 17 students and teachers. Cruz was said to have AR-15 assault rifle, a gas mask, smoke grenades and several magazines of ammunition. This was one of 18 attacks on schools so far this year.

After the Sandy Hook massacre of 2012 President Obama cried a little bit and made mournful noises about doing something about gun laws -- he did nothing! After the Stoneman Douglas massacre President Trump made a speech and said not a word about guns, he just wanted everyone to pray. He also found some time in his chat to the nation to suggest that the killings were actions of a mad person, and that's exactly what the National Rifle Association said after Sandy Hook, and every other mass killing with a machine gun.

Trump wanted the nation to know that mental health was being moved up on his action agenda, after wall building. He may also like to talk to the FBI, they knew all about Cruz because he told everyone via social media what his intentions were.

Carillion: Culpability unbounded

20/01/18

The Financial Reporting Council (the slumbering accountancy watchdog) is investigating the auditing work carried out by KPMG over the past three years. The trustees of Carillion's pension fund do not have a clue about the funding shortfall of £990m - that figure has increased £300m in the past week. The Pensions Regulator said information available before July 2017 "did not highlight sufficient concern". However, we know that the trustees were concerned but we do not know why that did not concern the regulator? Meanwhile, the bosses took huge rewards and the shareholders turned a blind eye because they were getting their skin.

The regulators slept through the whole episode, the trustees behaved like subservient poodles, the auditors did what auditors do, take the money and waltz off, and the directors took every undeserved penny they could get away with and for the shareholders the gravy stopped flowing but as everyone knows what goes up must come down.

KPMG footnote

The accountancy firm has been stood down in its advisory role on the Grenfell Tower fire inquiry because it worked for Kensington and Chelsea Council, and three firms who carried out work on the Tower. It waived its fee, nice bit of PR there.

Zuckerberg: What is he up to?

21/01/18

Founder and chief executive of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg, said news content on the site would be ranked in terms of its trustworthiness. And is Zuck, the money grubber, going to hire an army of people to monitor dodgy Russian bot feeds? NO, he is asking his users to do the job for nothing - wanker!

Henry Bolton latest...

21/01/18

UKIP's ruling national executive committee has unanimously backed a vote of no confidence in party leader Henry. This has come about as a result of his silly girlfriends racist Megan Markle texts. Henry is refusing to stand down. One time coupon clipper Nigel Farage described Henry as a "real man of substance”. What are the odds that Farage will soon be back. The cheese in my fridge has got real substance!

Mrs May to get tough!

21/01/18

Wait for it, there's a White Paper on the way, it will be here by spring time. It is being rumoured that the Pensions' Regulator (what do you mean, you did not know we had one) will be given tough new measures, like fining company bosses who abuse employee pension schemes, you know like BHS and Carillion - i.e., a total of 47,000 workers worrying about the financial futures, due to greedy bastards. Threatening crooks with fines is quite frankly ridiculous.

 

Justice Secretary, David Gauke gets his comeuppance

19/01/18

No judicial review in Worboys case but a review into the work of the secret parole board. And the Justice Secretary says it's up to the victims to bring a case against the parole board's judgment in the Worboys case. Two Victorian prisons damned by the inspector of prisons. Prisoners at HMP Liverpool and HMP Nottingham locked in their cells 23 hours a day with the rats and cockroaches due to under funding.

David Gauke was given the Justice job this month as a reward for 12 years service as a Tory lickspittle, appearing on TV news bulletins frequently supporting the cuts agenda, without an ounce of contrition for the social damage caused. Now, we can write with glee that he has to deal in real time with that damage!

It's confirmed! Trump is as mad as a box of spanners

14/01/18

chimp

Trump says places like Haiti are "shitholes"

Our correspondent in Washington (shown opposite) writes that he is probably not taking his medication. Trump told our chimp that he never said anything derogatory about black folk, it was all made up by the Democrats.

Trump was at a meeting in the White House, celebrating the birthday of Martin Luther King Jr and was overheard by our 'man' asking what team Junior played for.

 

Good news...

12/01/18

Serial bankrupt, Dominic Chappell, has been found guilty of the BHS pensions cover up. A man who lost loads of money on one of Chappell's property ventures says that he couldn't manage a one penny toilet door. The man has asked if he might be present when they crucify the loser.

Henry Bolton must go

14/01/18

In case you don't know, Henry is UKIP's leader this week. His girlfriend, former glamour model, Jo Marney, said some racist things about Meghan Markle. Now, we can't have that can we. Henry says she said these nasty things three weeks before he started having an affair with her - you know before he told his wife of 20 years about Jo. Well, Jo has been suspended from the Kippers tea party and not a few people around the table are saying that her and Henry should pack up and leave.

Carillion

14/01/18

New Tory party chairman Brandon Lewis told the BBC the government was keeping "a very close eye on this".'This' being, the impending collapse of a very large white elephant in the shape of construction company Carillion. This company owes the banks £900m and has come up short on pension funds, to the tune of another £600m. They offered the banks some worthless shares to cover the debt, the banks said we'll give you until April to sort yourself out. Meanwhile the money grubbers and that includes all the executives and shareholders are hoping and probably expecting the State to bail Carillion out of the mess it's made for itself. And they are probably right given the fact that the Tories had a crisis meeting on Friday due to the very large slice of the public sector handled by Carillion.

Chancellor says 'Productivity is key to economic growth'

05/01/18

The Chancellor's utterance clearly reveals he is a bit of a twit, typical of someone who is no more than a bean counter. Productivity is a measure of efficiency, it's not the key to anything. Productivity grew by 0.9% in the three months to September 2017. Why? because output increased with fewer inputs. And that's what the BBC calls news.

Toby Young

05/01/18

Can you hear that? It's Michael Young turning in his grave, pondering how he could have produced such a wanker for a son. Journalist Toby has been given a job on the government's new university watchdog. The Department for Education have been asked to explain what qualifications Toby has for the job - they didn't respond.

Office for Students (OfS) will help lead the Government’s drive to apply market forces to higher education. The OfS quango will regulate universities in the same way as gas and water utilities are not regulated.

Update: 09/01/18 Toby Young gets the boot from OfS for being a thoroughly nasty piece of work (and a wanker).

 

John Worboys

05/01/18

The parole chief apologised to victims of rapist Worboys for not letting them know that he was being released from prison. The Chief, one Nick Hardwick, said he thought that they had been told. Perhaps he assumed that it was someone's job to tell the victims. Will he be sacking that someone -- probably not!

UP

 

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Boat Race

23/03/18

Cambridge beat Oxford in the mens' and the womens' and both reserves' races. Something is clearly wrong at Oxford.