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Religions and Cults

The Nation of Islam

The Moonies




The Nation of Islam

Introduction: some might argue that Islam is a philosophy, a political ideology but definitely not a a country. True, Islam is definitely not a country. However, at root Islam is more than that because it imagines a nation of Islam, fundamental to its core philosophy.

Islam: 7th Century Arab take on Christianity and some old testament prophets. The start-up idea was simple; Jesus was a good guy but others had distorted the words of the one God. So, the one God decided to have a series of conversations with Mohammad. Interestingly, Mohammad didn't write anything down himself, he passed on God's messages to others to write down. Hence the reason that Mohammad is called the 'messenger'.

The Central Idea: unlike Christianity and its offshoots, Islam has a big idea - the Caliphate. The Caliphate is a Muslim world ruled by the caliph who imposes the will of God upon all those who submit, i.e. all Muslims. Within the Caliphate framework no other form of submission is tolerated hence the Caliph doesn't have much imposing to do. All actions within the Caliphate are guided by the Qur'an, a collection of Mohammad's messages. Gaps in the transmission between the Prophet and his scribes are made up by a number of other books and revisionist commentators, not to mention any Imam who wants to make a name for himself.

Moderate Islam: this is a Western creation, made up by governments, like the British one, to persuade the populus that not all Muslims are bad people. This is tantamount to saying that someone is a moderate drinker but how does someone imbibe just a small amount of Islam? Do they start going through the Qur'an picking and rejecting bits willy nilly - could lead to Schisms and a lack of clarity. For instance, "Wahhabism" is the dominant form of Islam in Saudi Arabia. It has developed considerable influence in the Muslim world, in part through Saudi funding of mosques, schools and social programmes. Be assured, there's nothing moderate about Wahhabism, it considers itself 'the pure form' of Islam, interestingly, Osama Bin didn't subscribe to this school of thought.

Update: Osama Bin is dead. Killed by US troops on 2/5/2011.  

Radical Islam: now this we can understand. Rallying cry: Death to the Infidel, i.e.towers anyone not a Muslim.

Jihad: holy war, all Muslims are 'fighters' and have a duty to kill the infidel and establish the Caliphate (where exactly, well, everywhere, obviously.)

Be clear, to the radical, an infidel is anyone who is not a Jihadist like them. This includes Muslims who are not following Sharia Law and those stupid enough to go shopping on the day the suicide bomber came to market.

Al Qaeda: stands for 'rock' or 'foundation of Islam'.


Education: unnecessary for women. Men attend the Madrasah, religious school, where they seem to spend a good deal of time reciting, that's it, reciting selected bits from the Koran. Ignorant Western observers (said by apologists, who can't bring themselves to say anything nasty about Islam) maintain the key function of the Madrasah is political indoctrination. Blah, no one's getting any marks here, the Madrasah does what it says on the tin, it equips attendees with the wherewith all to deliver the Caliphate - that's the bloody point of all that reciting, don't think, just know how to behave yourself when 'Quinn The Caliph (The Mighty Caliph)' gets here.

Dress Code: you are forgiven for getting confused over the use of Niqab and Hijab within Islam. The Niqab covers the face, except the eyes, the Hijab refers to covering everything except the hands and face. Ah, but, if you are a women unfortunate enough to find yourself in the company of Muslim men who fundamentally misunderstand their own credo, you may well find yourself totally covered up, wearing the Burka and falling over small objects strategically placed by playful Talibs, who enjoy mocking women at every turn. All of which plays havoc with a women's dress sense and it's all the fault of the Mohammad who apparently said that women 'should cover their beauties'. Unfortunately, the 'messenger' was a tad unclear about what he meant by 'beauties'.

Islam's big problem - Sunni bigots and Shi'ite zealots

Way back in the very early days, well as soon as Mohammad ceased to be, the problem emerged. There was great disagreement about who should succeed the prophet. One faction wanted Ali but the other faction kept insisting on giving the job to someone else. Eventually, Ali got the job but someone killed him. Ali's faction, became known as Shi'ites and the opposing camp as Sunnis, who considered themselves traditionalists. The latter would have no truck with disciples like Ali or his grandson Hussein. Hence, today the world of Islam is riven between the two camps, continuing to butcher one another, just like they did in the 7th Century.

P.S Al Qaeda is on the Sunni side of the street.

A bit of history

When the US wanted the Russians out of Afghanistan, they paid the Pakistani secret service to train and equip Taliban fighters in Pakistan. At the same time Osama Bin Laden was active in Afghanistan bank rolling various tribes, with Saudi oil money, in their fight against the Russians. The upshot of this joint effort, the Russians went home and the Taliban took over, oops, bit of a mistake. Under Taliban control, Afghanistan became the global home of terror, the place where Bin Laden hatched the 9/11 plot from a cave. True or not, US and European troops died in the dust on a daily basis and no one really had a clue what we were doing there.

We do hope this guide has helped and fear not because the legacy of New Labour's anti-terror legislation is in place to keep us all safe from the Muslim fighters stalking our highstreets.


The Moonies

Sun Myung Moon self ordained leader/founder of the Unification MoonChurch, better known as the Moonies.

Moon teaches his disciples that singles should not expect to be happy in the after life, it's important therefore to get married to ensure your salvation. Now, this is where Moon seized a market opportunity, with all these singletons desperate to secure salvation, who better to do the marrying than himself.

Afterall, is he not a Rev., Lord of the Second Advent, a saviour, and the true Messiah. Moon simply poses the question, how could Jesus have been the one messiah, he wasn't even married and anyway the Romans finished him off before he could get into the real meat of the salvation role.
Moon tells us that he's got backing for his many titles, from no less than 36 dead US presidents speaking from “spirit world”, who not unusually threw in another one for good luck, i.e. the True Parent.
Ah, but, Moon decided to give himself another title - “king of the ocean.”

Moon, aka, The Big Sushi

Moon decided to get into fishing in a big way back in the early 1980s, by way of a bit of diversification. The Moon Cult had for some time been identified as a kidnap gang. Frequently, TV programmes would report tales of young people being brainwashed by the cult and then forced to work as slaves to advance the Moon family's wealth. Oddly, these reports stopped arriving - causing your average TV licence holder to presume that the cult had stopped kidnapping people. In any event, Moon was out of the news and concentrating on business and forging media and political links.

Much of Moon's business activity has been hopeless but his fishing venture has been a resounding success

True World Foods reported revenue for 2005 was $250 million. Its fleet of 230 refrigerated trucks delivers raw fish to 7,000 sushi and fine-dining restaurants across America and Moon’s Alaska plant processes more than 20 million pounds of salmon, cod and pollock annually. (For those of you who like numbers, there are around 9000 sushi places in the US [can't call them restaurants, since they don't cook anything.]) However, if they are going to continue to do business with Moon they might consider heating the food before consumption, TWF has frequently been in trouble with the FDA, which cited it for ”gross unsanitary conditions” last year. (Younger readers please note, in England, we say 'insanitary'.)

Moon’s fish businesses operate under a nonprofit umbrella called ”Unification Church International Inc.” (UCI)

In 1978 a congressional investigation concluded that UCI had no ”independent functions other than serving as a financial clearinghouse for various Moon organization subsidiaries and projects.”

The Sun will soon set on Moon

Moon does not have much longer for this world and as he lays there, he can hear his children picking over the bones of his business empire. One of his son's has already been chosen to become the new messiah. And for the sake of factual reporting we feel duty bound to point out that Moon's own mission has been a bit of a disappointment in the role of messiah.

True, he became big friends with the Bush family and they even allowed him to wear his crown in the Senate, definitely a price worth paying. And the sushi business is an obvious triumph. Also, we must acknowledge, that his marriage brokerage has done decidedly better than the Anglican Church.

Beyond that, the old scrap book is a bit slim on the salvation front. This is important because Moon's is claiming to be the messiah, with a direct line to the author of all nature - who said you can't fool all of the people all of the time?

No. One Sun

Hyung Jin Moon, is the chosen Sun, they say he is set to change the tone of the 'Church' by encouraging his congregation to hug each other. Might not seem that radical to you but to insiders, it's a big shift. I mean, hugging someone who's not your intended partner, well, it could be a hug too far, or is it a promotional tool. Only the saviour knows.



Raising Malawi, we didn't know it was sinking

Madonna, the girl from Dunkin' Donuts, has made a right mess of her charity project to educate the girls of Malawi into the wonders of the Kabbalah cult.

Gross mismanagement of the project to build a 500 place girls school has led to the disappearance of £2.4 million. Madonna has now pulled the plug on the project and sacked everyone involved. The sacked workers are now in the process of suing her for loss of benefits. And just to make things worse, local people, with title to the land where the school was due to be built, are also suing because they were not properly compensated for the loss of the land. Nearly forgot, the Malawi Government are not happy either - they only found out about the demise of the school project by reading the New York Times.

Apparently, education is Madonna's passion, well let's hope she's learnt something about meddling in the world of development economics from this episode. Endemic corruption is the biggest obstacle to development in Africa, closely followed by deception and denial.

Having a passion for good works may help Madonna and her celebrity ilk to sleep better in their mansions but they might be better off directing their energies closer to home. Nations like the United States and Britain, with a school on every corner, still struggle with the same obstacles to development that blight the relatively poor nations of the world. Slugs like Mandleson and Blair with their wheeling and dealing escapades across the globe hinder progress with their slimy trails.

Malawi may not be sinking but New Orleans and Hull are - Madonna's money would be better spent in these locations, as long as it doesn't involve ex-insurance salesman Michael Berg and the Hebrew gibberish claptrap of the Kabbalah cult.


Malawi has a new flag

As you can see the new flag, which colour-wise is identical to the old one, oozes a new found confidence. On the old flag only half of the sun could be seen peering new Malawi flagabove the black of independence into the red of bloody struggle. Now, the sun has moved to the fore, symbolizing hope in the future, and contains a strange face.

Wait a Malawi minute, slightly longer than here, the pace is a bit slower - is that the face of the Queen of Kabbalah, Madonna Louise Ciccone, one time entertainer, formally of Dunkin' Donuts, New York, do you know what, it is.

Further proof we feel of our unsupported assertion that the Kabbalah Cult is attempting to take over Malawi. Make up your own mind.....

Our Africa team have uncovered a sinister plot to buy Malawi.malawi for sale

Our men in rain coats have been tracking the activities of a charity calling itself "Spirituality for Kids", who have infected the educational system in Malawi, working as the ground troops for another charity "Raising Malawi", which in turn is a front for the empire building antics of the Kabbalah cult, itself a front for the Berg family, who earn vast fortunes selling 'bits of red string' to protect devotees from 'unfriendly stares and unkind glances' ($25), they also sell the cults holy books of Hebrew gibberish, (a full set for $1200) and bottled water ($18). The family also receive substantial donations from lost celebrities like Madonna, who is currently being used to spearhead the drive to buy Malawi. Madonna, herself, has begun the process, in a small way, by buying two babies. So why Malawi? Simple, it does not have any oil reserves and so is of no interest to international predators and would provide an ideal safe haven for the cults expanding business empire, well out of reach of federal regulators and the gaze of the FBI.

Madonna plants a tree for Kabbalah cult

We reported some time ago on the Kabbalah cult's efforts to purchase Malawi.

Now, we have unearthed more evidence of the Cult's blueprint for Malawi's future. Their key target are the young. Front for the Cult, Modonna, planted a tree on the site of a new school for girls specialising in maths and science education.

Raising Malawi Academy for Girls will open in 2011 and will be home to 500 girls.

"If this school is a success - with God willing it will be - we will replicate it not only in Malawi but in other parts of the world as well", Madonna said. Further indicating the ambitions of the Cult.

Madonna made no mention of "Spirituality for Kids" (SKF), a registered charity, founded by the Cult to promote its own brand of mind manipulation. But if the Cults brand of spirituality is on offer in London primary schools (and it is), you can be sure it will have pride of place in the Malawi curriculum.

We recommend you take a look at the SKF website in order to gain a sense of the Cult's vacuous messages.

(Ed. They tell me you can buy an upmarket version of the Cult's 'red string' for $26 to ward off the evil eye. The “authentic Red String from Jerusalem” is now embedded in a resin bracelet. We feel sure Madonna, Demi Moore, Ashton Kutcher and Roseanne feel a whole load safer now.)