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Driving

4 x 4 Insanity

They're everywhere, hideous icons of conspicuous consumption. For £30,000 you can have the basic top brand model. For a bit less, you can have an even more grossly hideous foreign immitation, complete with bull bars - a must have on the school run.

Little Jemima, Beatrix and Rupert must ride the half a mile from home to school in mother's gas guzzling road blocking outward manifestation of a serious personality disorder.

These vehicles symbolize a crisis of confidence and shallow vacuity. The personality of those who drive these vehicles is seriously defective. At a societal level it's useful to be able to identify defective individuals by the car they drive, this will provide a useful asset when the revolution gets here.

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First Principles:

1. Everyone else on the road, except you, is a congenital idiot.

2. Never make assumptions about the behaviour of a congenital idiot.

The second principle is particularly true of HGV drivers, they regard you as an insect, and will rumble over you without a second thought. This is particularly true of foreign goods drivers - their mirrors were not illegal due to our EU membership they got away with murder - just make sure it's not yours. In truth, our flight out of the EU has made no difference.

3. Don't confuse the car with the dickhead driving it, if you do, you'll fall foul of the same mistake as the dickhead, who confuses the size of his ego with the size of the car's engine. We are here talking about individuals who imagine they would be Formula 1 drivers if life had not treated them so unkindly - however, they intend to make up for the nastiness of fate on a daily basis by treating you with disdain - because you are not driving a high performance killing machine like them.

4. Cars are not toys - this may come as a blow to the three man-boys on the BBC's Top Gear - they are tools, they provide a means to an end, i.e., the journey from A to B. Cars should be considered as 'tools of conviviality', objects that enhance human existence not machines that will add a shine to dull wits.

5. Driving is an act of faith that goes beyond the most devout religiosity. Ask most people if they were suicidal and odds on, they would say - no way! Yet, each day they choose to get into a metal box full of high octane fuel, in essence a bomb on wheels. And more, they trust that all the nuts and bolts have been fitted correctly and that computer systems will all function correctly - placing trust in people so far removed from the end user that they may as well be on another planet (or in most cases, somewhere in China) - they certainly wont be around when your wheels come off.

6. Use of some bits on a car are essential; things like a steering wheel, the brakes and perhaps the indicators. Indicating has become a thing of the past, we think they were installed to let people know which direction the car intends to travel in next. The current thinking is to let other drivers guess where the direction of travel will be. First indicating disappeared when drivers were pulling in after over-taking on a motorway. The latest trend is to not even bother to indicate on roundabouts - this makes life really interesting.

Not indicating is simply mindless, symptomatic of an indolent malaise infesting the roadways - the vehicles are not being driven, they are doing the driving.

7. Don't let your car drive you anywhere.

 

 

 

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